“she is so clingy” “is she ill”

In the last couple of days Oswin has really been suffering from her 1 year jabs that she had last Tuesday . She has had a temperature that won’t shift, won’t let anyone touch her when she is upset and has clamped herself to my boob until she gets removed when I need a wee!

It’s made me think about how attached she is to me and that a lot of the time she only wants me, nanny can no longer settle her to sleep to give my arms few minutes rest.

I have been thinking how, occasionally,  I see this attachment as a negative and actually the more I thought about it, society does too. I never hear “oo she’s so clingy she must be ill” when Oswin wants a daddy cuddle, it’s usually “ahh she’s a daddy’s girl” or something positive.

So why is it then when she only wants me for days at a time I look for a justification for it? 

Is she teething? In a leap? Did she have a broken night? Is she over tired

Does anyone else find themselves checking a temperature to explain away their child wanting a cuddle? 

It upset me when I realised that I don’t seem to embrace her love for me and enjoy it. Oswin is so full of love and physically very affectionate, she wakes up full of love some days and goes between me and Matt giving us kisses and stroking our hair. It is adorable and what I always wanted when I pictured being a mum.

When I had Noah, I used to cry that he was not very affectionate towards me and fell asleep on nanny or daddy much easier than he did me. I think it’s probably how winnie came about! I didn’t have my mummy need forfilled by a snuggly baby. So how awful is it that I have one here (currently asleep snoring on me) and I have to keep reminding myself that it is a wonderful thing that she loves me this much.

The last couple of days I have stopped letting myself look for negatives or justifications for Oswin being a boobaholic and a ‘mummys girl’ and actually just let this little munchkin have all the kisses and comfort that she needs. 

It’s bloody tough being a mummy sometimes, especially when you look around at all the washing, tidying and other things that ‘need’ to be done. It’s really tough to not get frustrated that this little person needs you more than the washing pile and when she cries when you attempt to walk away from her. 

Give those clingy babies an extra cuddle tonight, they won’t be this little ever again. Tomorrow they will be a little bit bigger and a bit less attached. It goes too quickly and then you want another one! Quick cuddle them! 

Self care

So I keep reading about how you need to look after yourself and not loose your ‘you-ness’ (I may have stolen that bit from Dr. Suess) I keep feeling like I just don’t have time to do ‘me’ stuff when I am mostly tired all the time from being a mum.

I realised this week though that when my kids look at me all they see is me tidying up or in a hurry to get something done. I don’t want this to be how they think of me, I used to sing, write songs, paint, love photography, write stories and play the ukulele. I think I have maybe done one of those things since Oswin was born.

I decided I miss painting so got some water colours and ink and sat down to attempt to be creative (no pressure!). Turns out I didn’t know what I was doing, I tried to copy a photo of a fox and ended up ripping it up. Not the best start and yes I blamed the brushes!
Day two I decided to get some brushes I couldn’t blame and try to just be gentle with myself and just practice techniques. I was pleasantly surprised. I managed to paint a few lady birds in different ways with watercolour. Then ventured on to a lavender plant then a toadstool! I was loving the free feeling and felt proud of myself! What!! I know it is actually possible to feel proud of yourself for a few minutes when you have anxiety and constant ahh going on.
Go try something people! Even if it’s a little bit creative and then you rip it up, it might start something good and help you relax. Coming from a mum who no longer knows how to relax, this massively helped me.
When I paint something worth showing people I will post it!

Go go go! X

Pnd

The dreaded depression is starting to be quite a feature of my last couple of Weeks. I have worried that I have something wrong for quite a while but this week it is taking over. I am forcing myself to write this as I haven’t had the energy to do anything, i feel like I am climbing up the down escalator at 5pm on a Friday at King’s cross. It’s that bad. I cannot cope with noah’s moods, my partners grumpy moods or anything really.
I haven’t been able to park for the last 4 days unless basic pull in and stop style. My anxiety has been bad enough that I have just stopped mid way through a parallel Park and let Matt do it. This isn’t good. Tomorrow I will be going to the doctors 😦 I know from studying psychology that I cannot begin to give my babies a balanced life and good foundations for adulthood until I am able to look after myself. Sorry not a cheery post but a parenthood related one, just the crappy side of it!
Wish me luck x