Today we are mostly boobin’ and cuddling! 

How is everyone else coping today? I think we have a few back teeth coming through that are causing this little bundle to want boobies and up-cuddles all day. I need my hands to cook for Noah,  so thankfully we know how to rock a back carry! I also think the thing of stroking an animal makes you feel calm works with a little person. I always feel better when I have had an up-cuddle and I know I have helped Winnie to feel better.  Yay baby (toddler) wearing, we are not letting bad anxious moods rule today!!

What they don’t tell you

Being a mum is bloody tough, no one tells you that you give so much more of yourself than just your body and sleep. In the parenting books it tells you basically how to keep a small person alive and if you read more, then you can also teach them sign language and to build rocket ships and stuff. All super helpful and positive. What the books don’t tell you is that you will most likely completely forget who you are and how to look after yourself. These books and advice, you only look for when you have hit the need for them. How many mum’s google, ‘why am I so angry?’ or ‘is it ok to not like my kids today/this week/at all?’ it seems that there is quite a few of us that have anxiety or depression and no one in the big wild world knows because we are so good and putting on the happy mum face or putting the “I’m just tired” plaster on it. I know at the moment that I am not ok, I know that I feel physically beaten up when I argue with Noah or Winnie won’t stop screaming and wanting milk. My head hurts, my chest feels tight and I feel dizzy. Physical effects of a mental health condition that there is so little information on unless you know to search for it. I wouldn’t change my babies for the world but at the moment I am not dealing with this stage of Parenthood brilliantly. I don’t want to be angry, avoid playing with them or feel too tired to be the mum they deserve. I hope talking about this today gives me the moment of clarity that I need to make some time for myself. Do some Pilates and breath for a few minutes a day and find a bit of peace that I can go back to in moments where there isn’t any, do something creative and try to find the happy in the worst times. 

It doesn’t last forever. It doesn’t last forever! 

Anxiety sucks! 

They melt my heart ♥. 

On days like today when my anxiety is so high that it is just making me feel angry and the slightest thing is turning me in to a shouty mummy, I know I need to appreciate moments like this so much more. 

I have no car today, no plans and get to just enjoy these two by myself. For a few minutes I feel greatful for that but then the next I just want to run away. 

Why does anxiety like to make you just not appreciate anything you have or special moments? 

It doesn’t help that I really haven’t slept for a couple of nights but I think maybe I will try and persuade Noah to watch the new #iceage so I can close my eyes for a bit 😴. #siblings #capturethemoment #makingmemories #garden #naptime #brotherandsister #mummyblogger #mumblog #parentblogger #parenting  #pblog 

Good days are rare but they exist!

Yesterday I woke up and Noah was in a lovely (not argumentative) mood, his cup was full of love because I left his bedroom gate open so he could go and cuddle nanny when he woke up. This made a huge difference to his happiness, more so than I realised. He was cuddly and helpful and generally a breath of fresh air compared to his usual morning self.

It kicked the day off to a calm start, which is really very needed in our house. I did a quick shop in Aldi after taking him to nursery then came home and decided instead of putting pressure on myself to ‘get things done’ I was actually going to enjoy the sunshine and spend time with Winnie.

We opened the back door and welcomed in the sunshine and the warmth. Winnie’s face instantly told me this was exactly what she needed after a few days of me working and leaving her with daddy and nanny. I felt my heart lift and my brain just went quiet. It was peaceful and I found myself laughing with her and silly things and actually seeing her.

I think a bit part of this achievement was not having my phone, that makes me feel a bit shit. I haven’t got  my phone charger at the moment so I’m sharing one. This makes me more conscience of how much I’m using it and you know what…thank god. I didn’t realise it was stealing time, on days when I feel like I don’t have enough hours in the day or I haven’t had time to play with the little ones, I dread to think what my phone usage would tell me.

Why do we let something to small and man made take over from making precious memories and hearing our babies laugh? I use my phone for everything, endless notes, shopping lists, reading articles, music, the time…I could go on for days. As we speak I’m on my laptop to make a point to myself of how much nicer it is to type rather than use my phone. I am making a change this week, I’m wearing a watch so I don’t need to keep checking my phone, I’ve bought myself a little not pad to write lists and plans in, I have even got Matt to realise what distractions can do to our kids behaviour and how much they find comfort from us. He read an article that I sent him and came home from work last night, quickly got changed and came and played in the garden with us, paddling pool and all! I noticed when I walked in the house that he has put his phone above the tv, making sure he wouldn’t be distracted by notifications.

The rest of the evening I kept checking with myself in a ‘ are you sure nothing is worrying you or pissing you off? really? are you sure?’ but there wasn’t, and if there was, it was issues that I couldn’t change at this point in time or improve by myself and I managed to just let them stay at the back of my mind.

This normally isn’t possible for me to do, I have very bad anxiety and at times things like planning for a holiday over a month away causes me to not be able to think about the day ahead of me. I like to plan, I like to know what’s coming my way and feel helpless if I can’t control it in some way. Yesterday I just let go of things and it was like being on a spa day. I went to bed last night and I smiled at how light I felt.

Is this what normal people feel like every day? I am hoping this is a start of how things will be now, instead of a rare day of being able to breath.

My god the sun helped!