A bit of a wake up call

Today I was determined to not be terrified of my 3 year old or having both kids alone with no plan for the day. I chose to keep positive, do my best to ignore him trying to get a reaction from me and get out the house. 

When we finally got in the car after several “OK I’m going, see you later” I just drove. I didn’t really have a plan but it was cold and horrible so really wanted to pop to a shop and get some bits to make an apple crumble and a casserole, yummy!

I also decided that we were not having any screens on today. I have relied on baby TV to keep the peace a bit too much recently, especially as I’ve been trying to pack for our holiday. The thing is, unsurprisingly, it doesn’t work. It doesn’t keep the peace really because Noah does everything in his power to get my attention, usually in a negative way. So today no TV, no games on phones and we were going to spend time together whilst daddy slept off the night shift. 

We ended up going to a wonderful little free farm near us. Thankfully Noah had wellies on already and winnie had her boots in the car because it was very soggy! They had so much fun in the puddles and trying their very best to stroke the piglets. Noah was a different child today, I think he felt seen and appreciated. I loved seeing him play with Winnie, he helped her through the puddles and taught her animal sounds but then I had the usual ‘mum guilt’ that I don’t see this side of him more often. He has very much become the ‘naughty’ child. I hate feeling like that. Today he became the big brother I want him to be, he ran after winnie and picked her up,  they both fell over laughing, but still, he tried to stop her running away. He wasn’t fighting for attention but content with sharing it and he was enjoying teaching winnie new things. I knew my little man could be this person and I feel awful that I hadn’t taken the time to find it before now. 

We are going on holiday tonight and it could not have come at a better time. A whole week to play with my babies that are growing way too quickly. I’m hoping this will be the start of me prioritising spending time with them instead needing to get the washing done or hoovering. I can’t believe I have become that parent.
This is what having little ones is about, splashing in puddles, wearing your brothers clothes (because I didn’t pack spares) and not having plans where you end up feeling like your kids are inconvenient. 

Enjoy your little people mummies, they grow too quickly and the time doesn’t come back! 

I love you my little wild ones! Xxx

What a difference a day ( and some deep breaths) makes.

The last few days have been a bit of a struggle to keep our little ship afloat. Noah seems to be determined to get a reaction from me (by ANY means) and it has been pretty bloody exhausting to balance on the knife edge. If you have a very free spirited 3 year old, I’m sure you understand what I mean!

From spitting full on in his little sister’s face when I’m not looking, to kicking the dog and everything in-between. Honestly I haven’t been able to take my eyes off of him this week for fear of him hurting someone 😦

Yesterday I realised that maybe actually he does need me a little bit more than I thought. I spoke to a lovely helpful member of the children’s centre on Monday and she reminded me of all the things I already know, but I need to hear. 

Things like young children usually do 1 ‘good’ thing to 20 ‘naughty’ thing in a day. It’s a case of picking your battles with the 20 things, and praising the 1 thing until you are sick of your own voice. I know this, I also know that he isn’t ‘naughty’. I hate that word, I hate that it can taint a child’s view of themselves and they can end up feeling shame and turn in to a self-fulfilling prophecy. I do not want Noah to think, “they think I’m naughty and it gets me attention, it’s easier than being ‘good’.”

So I let myself stop worrying about the washing that doesn’t end and played on his trampoline with him and Oswin. He was so surprised and happy to have me there that he kept kissing me and saying I’m the best jumper ever. What more could you hope for? 

Today I woke up ready to be the positive and gentle parent I want to be. I don’t want to be the mum who says no just out of habit and to hurry him because I think he’s taking too long. Today I tried again and will no doubt loose my temper and have to try again another day. The thing is, today, I had an observer. I had my family friend’s daughter with me, she is 11 but wise beyond her years and a fantastic help with little ones. 

Today she said to me, after a whole day of seeing how I talk to my kids and how I deal with their demands and tantrums, “you are such a happy person, you’re like sunshine”. She said I don’t let noah get to me and I don’t get tough when they don’t listen to me and I’m not at all like her mum. 

To begin with I did the are you mad? Laugh. I had no idea why she thought I was so happy when I feel like I am in my own little anxiety filled storm cloud most days. But then I looked back through the many points in my day where I have had to battle with Noah, break up fights in soft play and deal with winnie constantly trying to undress me whist shouting “boobies, Yeh, boobies?” in public. I realised that actually I was pretty calm, we dealt with each issue without shouting or threats. We made races out of getting in the car or putting shoes on and had the ‘one more play’ before we left the playground. Noah didn’t fight me, I spoke to him like a very clever child, not a naughty toddler and he responded brilliantly.

 I’m not saying this always works but God it’s nice to be told I’m doing OK. Even if it is by an 11 year old! 
I’m goin to do my best to ignore the behaviour I know only appears when he is tired or wants my attention and flood him with praise and attention as much as I can from now on. It’s hard work but jesus, arguing with a 3 year old takes years off your life I’m sure! They do not back down. 

We have walked in the common, made a bed outside and have eaten quite a lot of popcorn. They were both asleep by 8 without a battle and I don’t feel like crying. Let’s see what we can get up to tomorrow! 

A picture is worth a thousand words

 To be honest it may be more than a thousand. This photo shows how cute my little creations are, that I adore them and that they are happy little soles.

What it doesn’t show is that this week already I have struggled to be a gentle mummy, it doesn’t show that winnie has thrush on her tongue which she has passed to me through feeding so my nipples are now so sore I have given up on a bra, but still need a bit of comfort so a sports bra it is. (I’ve used it maybe twice for actual exercise).  It doesn’t show that in desperation to get Noah to just be nice and stop acting like he’s taken speed, I got him an 8ft trampoline which cost more money than I have, but I figured was cheaper than counciling. It also doesn’t show that at 10am this morning I hadn’t even had a wee yet but my lovely little bundles were on their second breakfast… Minus the cornetos that I threw away because Noah wouldn’t stop screaming for them and had just punched me so I cut my losses and threw them away. Regretting it now, they were good. Also there’s no way it could show that I didn’t eat anything until about 10 tonight because I was too busy/stressed and then my attempt at ‘nutrition filled’ oven chips consisted of me pouring vinegar in to my hand because I’m too bloody tired and though it was the salt!

However this photo definitely does show my greasy unstyled hair and yesterdays eyeliner smudged under my eyes due to me having no time to give any shits how I look today.

The hardest thing about how happy this photo looks, even though I look on the verge of turning in to a zombie, it that my beautiful little people, as amazing and strong willed as they are, have exhausted me to the point where my nerves are frazzled and my hands don’t work.

I have a condition which affects my nerves and muscles and stress speeds the process up, usually just for a few days but recently I can’t get a break. My own kids are making me feel weak to the point of not being able to make a cup of tea without dropping pretty much everything I touch is bloody hard.

I’m hoping tomorrow brings a bit of light and Noah maybe finds his empathy that is hopefully around here somewhere, mummying is bloody hard people, stay strong 💪. If kids are fed, clothed and smell OK, your doing alright, if you have had a shower and can remember what day it is then you are winning!
Jess x

Banana launcher 

Today is one of those ‘falling through parenting day’s. I call them this because it literally feels like no matter how organised you try to be or how nicely you ask, you are just not going to get the playgroup that starts at 9:30. Ha! Even if it was pm I think we would struggle to be on time!

Today is pretty much stuck in a crappy cycle of this: 

Me: “Noah can you stop standing on your sisters dress please”.

Noah: blank look, stands on her foot.

Me: “Noah come on let’s not hurt Winnie”

Noah: apparently has no ears so doesn’t hear words (unless it sounds like chocolate or sweets).

Me: “OK last chance, move away”

Noah: growls

And this has pretty much been the conversation for everything today. 

So far his rein of destruction today has resulted in: 

  1. Ripped apart 4 make up sponges.
  2. Soaked a roll of toilet roll in the sink.
  3. Eaten half a jar of Nutella without a spoon.
  4. Noah drinking orange squash without water because he got it out before I was even down the stairs.
  5. Destroyed the living room, one cushion at a time.

So after planning to go to a playgroup this morning with a very optimistic attitude, I realised I have a very unrealistic view of what is possible with a 3 year old boy and a baby girl that just wants to cuddle and kiss everyone. It has ended in being a shouty mummy, noah going to his room 3 times for a ‘calm down’ and a drive to attempt to get him to sleep, aswell as letting winnie have a nap. 

An hour later he got annoyed at every song I put on and shouted that I was going the wrong way (I don’t even know where I’m goin shut up!!). So we have now got macdonalds, so I can have a coffee and he has a minion with a banana launcher, ofcourse he gives no shits about the food it came with! 

Jesus I said the day has ended up and it’s not even 1 o’clock, roll on bedtime. 

Anxiety sucks! 

They melt my heart ♥. 

On days like today when my anxiety is so high that it is just making me feel angry and the slightest thing is turning me in to a shouty mummy, I know I need to appreciate moments like this so much more. 

I have no car today, no plans and get to just enjoy these two by myself. For a few minutes I feel greatful for that but then the next I just want to run away. 

Why does anxiety like to make you just not appreciate anything you have or special moments? 

It doesn’t help that I really haven’t slept for a couple of nights but I think maybe I will try and persuade Noah to watch the new #iceage so I can close my eyes for a bit 😴. #siblings #capturethemoment #makingmemories #garden #naptime #brotherandsister #mummyblogger #mumblog #parentblogger #parenting  #pblog