Realising for the millionth time that these two are what matters but also that means looking after mummy!

I think having a good knowledge of mental health (previous experience and a degree) has helped me to keep bad thoughts and low times at bay so far with two little people.
I do my best to help others around me, even when I can’t fight to help myself that day. If my sisters, mum, uncle, babies or matt need me, I’m there without a second thought.
OK sometimes a second thought of ; “Is it acceptable in this situation to be wearing pajamas and or a bra”. But beyond that, I’m there with a smile. This takes it’s toll I guess on top of a milk monster and a very jealous and clever toddler all day.

I think this week I broke, not as in gave in, I mean actually broke like needed to be reset and possibly updated? Im not sure where I’m going with that analogy but something computery that wasn’t turning off and on (there’s no time for that business at the moment!!). Any way…

So I was a bit psycho yesterday and I think I scared my mum and Matt a bit, egg shells were well and truly being stepped on from the moment someone spoke to me in the morning. I just felt angry all day and like nothing was good or ever going to be again. I didn’t exactly have a reason I don’t think but in hindsight, everything just got too much and Jessie got lost!
I can’t remember the last time I did anything for myself or even how to just relax my shoulders! It isn’t a good feeling, everything was just making it worse except my mum and sister reminding me about an exercise class I mentioned months ago.

So I phoned and booked it to be told it was currently empty but if I didn’t mind a 1 on 1 then it’s OK to come along. At this point I felt quite numb and didn’t really care about being a wobbly (possibly crying) mess infront of a toned and mentally stable instructor.

Positive… positive… positive

So I had a long, hot and toddler free bath (woop woop!!). Who knew baths without other people in it were so nice! Normally there is nearly enough legs in my bath to be a spider!
I sorted my slightly green hair out and watched Jane the virgin until I couldn’t stand to be in there any longer. I went to sleep trying to not let anxiety get the better of me about the class and thankfully Oswin stayed in her own bed all night which gave me a much needed break from feeling like a pregnant kangaroo.

I think today was meant to happen to be honest. I met the instructor who was just too lovely and understood everything I told her about how I was feeling physically and about my condition which massively contributes to feeling weak and unbalanced. We ended up having an hour or so long personal session which was amazing and she knew exactly what I needed to work on to build my stamina and strength up after two babies.

I feel like I have a bit of a path to follow after this, I have no intention of starting a gym inspiration blog don’t worry, but maybe a few posts showing it is OK to feel like the world just doesn’t get you and maybe it’s also OK to have good days!

I have been very vague with how I have felt recently but I muddle through when things are bad and always find a way to rationalise and fight through (thanks cbt and a very overpriced psychology degree!!). I have these tools in my bag, I’m grateful for them, but yesterday I lost the bag.
I have felt gradually worse and not wanting to get up in the morning which sucks. I genuinely felt worried that I didn’t care that winnie was crying, I just wanted her to be quiet and didn’t take time go figure out what was wrong. That was scary, I never want to feel like that again. I’m going to do my best to notice next time and get out of it. My little ones deserve the best mummy and I desperately want to be that. Sometimes though, that means taking a step back and not trying to be super mum.

Yes the kitchen looked like a scene from 28 days later and no I didn’t put any of the 1000 tons of washing in, but no-one died, the kitchen is now tidy (and filled with food), washing is on and I haven’t stopped kissing my babies all day.

Even when noah put a whole toilet roll in the toilet and blocked it, I went to ask him why he did it and he put his hand up to me and said “look, don’t get grumpy” and gave me a huge cuddle and a kiss. Honestly he’s not even 3, where did he get that! Bloody genius child, he didn’t get told off and I couldn’t stop laughing. Kids are the best if you just let them in.

Wow it’s late, why am I not asleep like everyone else!
Thanks for reading! Good night everyone! X

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