Everything really is better when the sun is out! #finallysummer #babywearing #toddlerwearing #tula #skulls #3monthsold

Last night was the by far the most difficult so far as a parent. The first thing I knew of it was Noah screaming mummy, the tone of his scream sank my heart, I knew something was really wrong. I saw him standing eyes scrunched shut, mouth as wide as possible screaming and gagging, he was bright red and inconsolable. It was the scariest moment I have had to go through with him, i had no idea what had happened only that he was seriously in pain.

I realised pretty quickly (but what felt like an hour) that he had drank white spirit. The smell of his breath was toxic, I couldn’t help but cough myself whilst holding him. I had winnie in the connecta carrier on me so had to quickly unclip her and hand her to my mum to hold Noah properly.

Someone rang 999 when I realised what he had done and I started shaking when it hit me that he really wasn’t OK and could have done some serious harm to himself. My first instinct was that he needed his daddy, I did too. Thankfully I knew he was at work and could hopefully get to us pretty quickly. I phoned him and could only really manage to say that Noah had drank white spirit and then hang up.

I held Noah like a baby, like I haven’t in such a long time and comforted him as best as I could. He kept spluttering stuff up and there wasn’t a break in his crying. It was horrible to not be able to help him and make everything OK. I kept saying daddy will be here soon and he will make it OK. I wasn’t sure how much I think I rely on him having more experience in situations like this and know he is better at fixing them.

Before I knew it Matt was pulling up with the paramedic behind him. He saw Noah and scooped him out of my arms and held him. He started to calm his crying and the paramedic did all his checks.
Thankfully he seemed OK, except the obvious concern of internal damage. We went with him in the ambulance the whole time barely speaking to eachother just staring at Noah hoping he would be OK.

The medical staff checked him over and there was no obvious signs to worry about. We were told to stay in the hospital for 6 hours for observations and try to get him to drink water to see if he could keep it down. He did and then started playing, before long he was back to his old self and singing incy wincy at the top of his voice. He was completely oblivious to what was happening and the potential damage he could have caused. He was just happy to be surrounded by toys and other children. Somehow he had forgotten the pain and trauma he just went through.

It was short lived when he projectile vomited across the waiting room and over everything. The smell of white spirit was unbelievable, I couldn’t understand how it was that strong coming out of his stomach and how he wasn’t doubled over in pain. He got to wear a hospital gown which he said was “a lovely dress” and was soon back to playing and telling his tale to anyone that would listen.

We stayed for 6 hours seeing other children coming and going, with blood, broken bones and other awful injuries. The whole time feeling so thankful that our little man was not one of them and that he had gotten away with any real damage caused.

We finally left the hospital around midnight and with Noah still wide awake, listened to his favourite songs driving home. I curse those songs and how I have 10 fat sausages going through my head on repeat, but I would listen to it 100 times an hour as long as he was there. I’ve never felt more grateful to have healthy babies and so so thankful for their amazing daddy making everything seem OK.

What a day, I’m sure he will give us many more reasons to visit a and e but hopefully not too soon.

X

Pnd

The dreaded depression is starting to be quite a feature of my last couple of Weeks. I have worried that I have something wrong for quite a while but this week it is taking over. I am forcing myself to write this as I haven’t had the energy to do anything, i feel like I am climbing up the down escalator at 5pm on a Friday at King’s cross. It’s that bad. I cannot cope with noah’s moods, my partners grumpy moods or anything really.
I haven’t been able to park for the last 4 days unless basic pull in and stop style. My anxiety has been bad enough that I have just stopped mid way through a parallel Park and let Matt do it. This isn’t good. Tomorrow I will be going to the doctors 😦 I know from studying psychology that I cannot begin to give my babies a balanced life and good foundations for adulthood until I am able to look after myself. Sorry not a cheery post but a parenthood related one, just the crappy side of it!
Wish me luck x

A few photos since my last post!